So It Won't Hurt As Much

Words were like scissors in my hand.

There was no script to follow.

All I was told to do was to carve a goodbye in your heart.

I wished I was just an actress up on stage, so when I walked off the spot light, I could go back to my real life.

Unfortunately, the blood's too red to be fake, and the eyes were too sore to be made up of.

It's so difficult to face a lost of someone special, but you... you were more; you were my best friend.

When I see you so distant, I just closed my eyes, so it won't hurt as much.

Are you spending your time in silence tonight? I am not, so it won't hurt as much.

Do you still whisper good night? Do you play that song over and over again? Do you wake up in the morning with the phone beside you? Do you stay quiet when you're with friends cause your being is somewhere else? Do you still use that date combination for your password? Do you still prepare breakfast? Do you think of ideas for valentine? Do you... Do you still care?

If yes, please do not, so it won't hurt as much when we say goodbye..

Dare to Dream

Today's the first time I felt so dragged to go to church. It's not because of finals or my sick being, but perhaps my weariness. As I looked upon each part of my life, nothing seems to be in its right track. I was so discouraged that I could not look to Him. Nonetheless, I still went up to my feet and go.

As I sat on that seat far in the right corner, I whispered a little prayer, "God, am I still worthy to be in your presence? Will I be able to face all these? I am proved to be with no faith and courage, useless in your kingdom, God..." I did not expect any reply from Him, yet He said to me shortly, "Dare to dream." I thought and re-thought, trying to figure out what that means, but I couldn't figure it out.

Preaching never felt longer before. I looked back for times just to stare at the clock hanging on the wall, ticking so slowly in my eyes. Suddenly, something shifted my focus, the Pasteur mentioned the word, dream. Then, there's a weird feeling in me. I listened so ignorantly, yet a message struck me deeply. It tells me to dream again and don't lose hope. Images began to be set into a slideshow in me. Those pictures which were used to depict my dreams; I got healed and be a testimony for my family, we discuss about bible together, get baptized... Oh how wonderful those things are. I would always smile everytime I prayed about them, expressing how I'd love to bring those dreams to reality. God reminded me how much He long for those prayers again.

I believe every single person in this whole wide world ever have DREAMS.

Like them, I have dreams floating in my mind.

Who wouldn't want their dreams to come to reality? Foolish people, like me.

Yes, I was a fool because I stopped dreaming.

I forgot and now I remember how God always wants the best for all of us, His children. He knows just the right time to give to us; our role is simply to keep believing, praying, waiting, and last but not least, to receive.

P.S. Impossibility only comes when you stop waiting for possible things to happen.

It Is You Whom He's Waiting For

Do you ever feel like running away from the world you're living in?

Trying to compose reason by reason of why life is too unfair for you?

What's next? Living in a make-believe world? Pretending some things aren't happening, while you know that you cannot deny the existence of problems.

No one needs to be sorry for telling you that life is real, pain is real, devil is real, and all sort of the downs you imagine are real.

You cannot choose not to have stumbling stones along your way, but you can choose to walk with Him with the light of the world shining upon your way.

You may feel the absence of that peculiar bond; however, it's not the light which is not shining, but you who's closing your eyes that you cannot see, you who covers your ears that you do not hear.

Grow Up With Love

Imagine a flower which does not bloom because it's afraid that the rain will blow it down. It covers itself inside a box of darkness, acting as though there isn't light outside.

How can it turns into a beauty when it is not growing?

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ." ~Ephesians 4:15~

Same applies to you.

Be not afraid of what lies ahead of you.

Grow yourself up in Love of God and be mature in it.

Do not hide yourself in that dark box, for the light is waiting to shine on you :)

Your Smiles Are My Happy Tears

When I saw you walking through that door with a smile on your face, a second of my time froze.

That's the smile you used to project to show how everything was going to be okay.

That's the smile you gave me to cheer me up from the downs.

And that's the smile I want to always see on your face.

I wonder why my heart, my mind, and my body acted differently just now.

My mind thought,

"I know that a year is way too long already for me to be stuck in your trap; therefore, I have moved on. You're my past, nothing less and nothing more. Now, I'm going to chill and relax cause you know what? You're my nobody."

Oh! How I wished I could be so tough.

Despite of the pride I have in my mind, something began to stream it down.

My heart felt,

"It's time for us to talk about this torturing feeling, about the longings, and the unrevealed compassion. It's been too long for us to be drowning in this awkward uneasiness. How are you doing? Do you still like to stay up late and wake up early the next morning? I got that habit from you :P . How's your family? How's your studies? How's everything?"

Oh! I wished I could talk normally, as if our past has just been erased.

Yeah! I could have stayed cool or stole some glances at you, but what did I do?

My body didn't follow my mind nor my heart.

In fact, it has it's own control over itself, "impulsiveness".

I jumped off my seat, grabbed my phone, and went to take a walk through another door. You didn't recognize me due to the crowd, yet my eyes caught your smile. I ran, I hid, and I lost myself in the coldness of the weather. I felt stupid for doing what I was doing. Moreover, my mind and my heart were arguing over some dumb things which I don't want to care about.

Looking at the bright side, at least I didn't drop a tear; say no to crybaby! You used to be the one who told me not to cry, thank you for that :)

Every time I think of you, tears will be streaming down my cheek, then I always remember you telling me not too, so I smile as wide as I can. Even though you may not care, I do care about you. I never want you to lose that smile which I once snatched away from you, and for that, I am sorry. I wish you life full of happiness; goodbye I should say cause I know I'll never see you as someone you were before.

Ganbatte Vinnie!!!

To: My Dearest Sister, Vinnie

If there's something I want to say to right now, it will simply be a question; "What's going on?".

Even though I cannot see you in person, your downs cannot be hidden through smiley emoticons.

I can picture the frowns on your face.

Is everything falling out of place?

Those little things are piling up, and you got nothing done.

And you miss those times when you can simply have fun?

Let me share with you something precious yet undiscovered by some people.

It's LOVE.

Love keeps it all together for you.

Love leads you through the right direction.

Love gives you the strength.

Love showers you with hopes.

Love put joy in things you do.

Love then is all you ever need.

If you're down,

Lying helplessly on the ground.

You feel empty,

Living life unwillingly.

You're lost.

Decide upon things using a coin to toss.

Just know that, God is a prayer away from you.

He is waiting with His arms wide open to embrace you.

He is reaching out His hands to pull you back up on your feet.

He is putting you there right now for a reason. It's for you to grow stronger in Him. It's for you to know that You can always come to Him for strength.

I might be packed with lots of things in life, but do not ever hesitate to simply "ping" me. After all, that's what sister is there for :)

With love and prayer,

-Vanny-

He Never Fails Me

I was trying to finish a race with time as my competitor. If people walk their lives, I was running exhaustedly. I hated it when I had to say that I was BUSY because it made me feel like I lost the competition, so I tried to squeeze every single thing into my agenda. When it began to pile up, the only thing I could cut was my sleeping time. Oh! How I missed my old routine when LEISURE time was written all over the pages.

Week after week I tried to hide the paleness of my face and "panda" eyes, yet I could not lie to myself that I was tired and worn out. I always told myself that it would be just another day of yawning in class and drinking cups of coffee, but this I said repetitively.

The calendar never looked so long; it was as if another month was slipped into it. I just could not wait till' the next holiday to come. Then, I thought my brain would explode soon or later. I thought I would fall sick. I thought I would give up since I could not take it anymore. On the contrary, I went through each and every task with smile on my face.

The joy of ticking away the tasks I finished was overflowing. My long to-do-lists somehow motivated me to get back on my feet every time I was about to give all up. My source of strength was not coffee, not the smile, not the motivation, not of my own, but God.

I fell asleep in front of my laptop, with my headset on and books underneath my head. I slept in my jeans and t-shirt. I felt so dizzy that I simply lied on my bed. I could not keep it all together that I did not even spare time to remind myself of the LOVE God has been pouring out for me.

I felt like I have failed Him too many times, and I was so afraid of not being able to go back to His arms. One of those nights, I just could not resist my heavy eyes yet my body told itself to grab the bible on my desk. I opened it up to a page, and simply thought, "Oh! I just quickly read something and sleep."

"I can do everything in Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

That moment, I drowned myself in tears. I felt like there's a wall for me to lean on after I have been walking unsteadily. Through it all, I thought I was alone, but I was certainly wrong because God has been my source of strength. Even though I have failed Him, He still unfailingly carries me through hardships. Thank You so much Dad for the things You have put me in that I may realize how I should depend on You and not myself.

For you who are weary, tired, and worn out. Remember that there's no boundaries if you rely on God in everything you do. You can do everything in Him who gives you strength.

Just Another Day

When I was about 12, going to birthday parties excite me. Not because of the meal or cool entertainment; well then why? It was because I love the themes, dresscodes, excitement, and the one day set for the birthday peeps. It didn't take me long to start drawing up plans in my mind. They have Hollywood, Las Vegas, Paris, Star, and so many other interesting themes. They have cool balloon, flowers, and all decorations you could ever imagine. Oh! I could still recall what I wanted that time, a fake lavender field surrounding the room which is covered by sky patterned silk, hanging from the top are the folded cranes, and soft ballad songs filling up the room. I never told this to anyone, but now, it's just my childhood dream.

I once thought that birthdays are set for me, myself, and I; that was then. Year by year passed by, birthdays seem to be special in some other ways. It was once a sad scripted memory of my past, a friendship day, or just a tradition.

This year, it's just another day of my life; yes! That's what it is for me not because of the absence of my family and friends, but it's because the meaning of birthday itself is changed in my mind. Now, I have realized that birthday is first and foremost set for me to remind me how faithful God is to me, how He never leaves me through all these years, and how much priceless gifts He has given me, including life itself. My birthday is not my day, it's His for without Him at the first place, I won't be here now.

Thank You so very much for another lovely day You've set for me. Thank You Dad for the endless gifts You send to me. An overflowing gratitude through my life is the only thing I can offer You. I love You Daddy :)

Forgotten Dream

It was that one Sunday when I was reminded of my own sweet dream; there were times when it seems to be so out of reach. Giving up slides in and out from my mind day by day until it finally decided to stay firm. What a fool I was! I found myself running away, but a voice pulled me back. It reminds me of a desire and dream I have put my faith on. It tells me of how beautiful that dream is, and how it'll be more amazing when it comes true just like how the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. I want to believe in that sweet voice, God.

Our Charm Of Friendship : Acceptance

It felt like it was just yesterday that I sat in front of that wooden stage, wearing my cap and gown.

Oh no! That was last year, and yes! a whole year has passed.

The season for farewells has passed, yet the message, "Farewell doesn't put an end to friendship, is still engraved in mind.

Then, I used to daydream of how our future's going to be.

Perhaps yearly reunion at our favorite restaurants, telling old jokes which we're going to laugh at together. Or maybe a video conference, a huge one because there's like 1, 2, 3,... 13 of us. People might think we are living our own lives that we're not going to be so connected to each other anymore. Oh! Those good and bad times filled my and their lives history that there will always be so much to talk about and not to miss out sharing stories about our whole new chapter of lives.

I always hope my daydreams would become true; however, they never fully did.

No one knows what or who to blame. Well, I do know; there's no one to blame. We might be miles and miles away from each other, and we live in different time zones with thick piles of assignments and examinations to-go-lists. Circumstances? No, that's not the cause. I believe it's our choices. There's no need of any reasoning to put all of us in such standing now.

Friends are to be understanding towards each other; at least that's what I know from ours.

We used to stand up for each others, being allies. We were different, but acceptance was a charm in our friendship. I never know how much it matters for all of you, but it was and still means so much for me. I do not want it to be just a treasured memory, but I want to see it as a precious gift of everyday, a present. I realized I sounded so selfish for it's all about what I want; however, I believe such desire exists in each and every heart of yours.

Changes are hard to cope with especially when it comes to our close ones; it's like a whole new acquaintance. We change our style, preferences, lifestyle, attitude, or even principles, and we cannot get back to each other as often as before that we got so left behind in getting to know the "new" us. I, myself, struggles when I figure out how the trust between ourselves could be eaten by the tangled misunderstandings. I am in such pain, finding out how it further leads to bitterness of jealousy. I do not know how this flaming fire began, but I apologize if ever I showers it with oil.

Do you remember how we used to be pieces of puzzle which fit each others so perfectly because we accept each others' shapes and sizes, creating spaces among ourselves to give beauty to that big picture, friendship? Now, we may have shifted a bit individually and unconsciously forgets about that beauty of the image; however, we are never to lose that charm, acceptance.

P.S. I love all of you, my dearest beloved OBEWAKZ.

Your Own Perfection

What is perfection?

"Something" which is desired by many, yet granted to none.

That "something" varies to all people; it's beyond each other's imagination.

It can be physical, wealth, relationship, education, social status, career, recognition, and the list goes on. I lived a life whereby I put perfection as my goal in everything I do; sounds so enthusiastic right? In reality, it's just like trying to sleep on the sun. No matter how much effort you put to make yourself cooled, some heat will get through. Yes! You cannot satisfy everyone and escape from the scope of critics. I am not here to drag you down, but it's the fact you simply can't deny.

That life of mine was a stressful mess, taking all people's inputs into deep considerations till' my mind blew up. Not that I do not need them, I am truly grateful; but I just want to stand at the edge of a cliff, so I do not need people to push me down the stream.

Ask yourself; "What's your goal?"

The sky? The universe? The world?

Great answers!

Now, what's your limit?

Don't think too much because the answer is "your best" :)

So,

Just throw out your best.

Don't be drown in regret because you couldn't have done better than your best.

Untold Thought

Strange,
Everything seems to be newly polished into an unknown color.
Discovery,
I did find out how colors can be mixed into such abstract.
Anonymous,
I am not the painter, no one is; it's natural, I think.
Pointless,
I do not know what's going to be created.
Involved,
Not my desire, is there such thing as meant to be?
Confusion,
Too much happenings at a time.
Adaptation,
Like a butterfly which flies to a whole new sight of the world.

I see, I hear, I feel;
Enough to come up with a thought, clear one; however, it's better if it remains untold.

Invisibly Seen

People say that seeing is believing.
The question which pops in my mind is "do you ever believe in things you can't see?"
It takes time to realize about how seeing is not the only way to believe.
LOVE? FAITH? EMOTIONS?
Can you see all those? Yes you can! You can see the way they are expressed with objects and through senses, but what about "them" as themselves? Invisible.
This is sometime a barrier for believing.
You can't see hatred, yet you can see the tears, broken glasses, and the frown.
I have never met God, Jesus, ever in my life; however, I can feel His love poured out for me and all of you. Do you really still need evidence? Think back for a little while.
He is always there for you even though you can't see Him.

Gratitude

Thank You Dad,
for walking with me through this dry land,
for giving me chances to worship and praise You,
for letting me know that You'll always be my strength,
for casting away my fear,
for your endless mercy,
for each and everything that happened, happen, and will happen to me.

Once Upon A Broken Heart

Once upon a broken heart,
There's a strong desire to run back to my past, but a stronger one to jump forward to my future.
It takes time to "live" in a small world of yours in which you do not know who to trust, and you simply can't rush.
It's so much more than a break-up or a longing.
How can it be explained when I barely understand the catastrophe itself?
Letting go? Sounds kinda right; however, there's a choice behind it all.
I chose to walk away even though there's nothing wrong.
They wonder why I could be so mean and ignore the innocence.
One word, circumstances.
I am taking my heart back simply because some things are not supposed to be.
Don't you cry,
Don't you shed anymore tear.
I've cried my eyes out because of the way you torture yourself.
I can't take it anymore, but still I have to face it.
Inconclusive as "the end" has not yet arrived.
Once upon a broken heart of mine, there's you.

Duo Life

Once in my life, I thought I could never live without my past.

Reasoning by reasoning rolls my mind.

Oh! the happy moments with sprinkles of tears.

How could I throw them all away?

I felt like walking through the mud; every step seems to be so heavy and difficult.

That was then..

Now?

I, myself, am confused.

I took walks, hoping every step symbolizes a step closer to a new life.

Songs after songs I listened to; none clicks me!

People wish to be remembered, while I wish I could be forgotten. Sometimes, I wish I could be invisible. AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa!!! I screamed! I yelled! I cried! I fell onto the ground, still I tried to find a better way to express the explosion.

Nothing changes huh?!?!?

Oh! I gotta stop exaggerating. It's not that bad, right?

Yet, I have to stop being so ironic to myself.

I am not okay, even though I want to be, and I absolutely will.

*Looking at my own reflection*

I whispered, "Don't worry about me, I am fine. Trust me, I'll be okay so go on."

Surprisingly, "it" replied, "I can't, I'd rather run backward,"

"You can do it!!! Stop being such a crybaby! Stop thinking of how beautiful your life was, look at how splendid it is now, simply better."

*Endless debate and arguments were like birds chirping on my ears*

Conclusion? None beside "I am fine :) though I do not seems like I am", or in other words, "I am not fine though I might seems like I am"

I don't know...

Happiness Is A Choice

What is happiness?

Being rich? Being smart? Being loved? Being thought about? Being popular? Being looked up to?

What is "YOUR" happiness?

What can give you an assurance of endless happiness?

There's a saying, "Happiness is a choice"

I have to totally agree with this.

Why?

It is because God has given us freewill.

What's the connection?

Ecclesiastes 2:26

²⁶ To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

I hope you have made up your choice :)

Let Healing Begins

One of my friends, my sister in Christ shared this wonderful video about how confessing sins can heal us.

Here's the link;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QF1X9VvQbD4

In this video, the speaker emphasizes on how we tend to put God as someone we do not fear. When I come to think of it in such perspective, it strikes me! All these times, confessing sins to Him seems to be so easy, but confessing our mistakes to other people, it becomes so hard that we stumble.

A verse which is shared in this video is James 5:13-16

¹³Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.¹⁴Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

It's clearly said that we should pray for each other so that we may be HEALED.

It may be difficult to confess ( I, myself, admit that); however, who else shall we listen to beside our God, Jesus? Follow Him, you shall not walk in darkness :)

Running Back and Forth

Reading my own diary entries might bring me back to those days when no one's there to catch my fall, but it makes me feel more grateful knowing how better off I am right now.

People have awesome testimonies about how God has changed their lives.

Some have survived from deadly diseases, some have been healed, some have been got out from smoking, drugs, gambling, and many others which were once seems to be impossible.

praise the Lord, for He has made all things possible as long as we believe.

Well, for once you might think your lives are all in one beautiful piece, just perfect.

I have been at that state before, where I thought I am strong enough to face everything.

It's not that hard to recall all those stigmatization, spiritual destitution, and that endless lonesome lullaby. At times, I can still feel those memories digging holes in my heart, creating a deep emptiness. People may simply say that my life was perfect, and I am just greedy enough thinking it could have been better. Those sayings sound very ironic to me till' I felt like screaming out all those devastation I was feeling.

They may think I always something to prevail.

They have freedom to say how good my life is, having to be able to laugh all day long.

They tell each other how they wished they could be as lucky as I am.

I had no hands to hold on to, no shoulder to lean on.

I felt imprisoned in my own stage of disguise.

I was not lucky, at least I tried to pursue luckiness.

Oh, they were wrong then; however, I'll be glad to say that they're right now.

I have not experienced any phenomenal miraculous thing in my life, yet miracles happen every single time I believe that God is with me.

And I am not lucky for having God in my life, for luckiness is probable, God is certain and sure.

Luckiness is only for a number of people, God is for everyone.

All that He asks of you is to believe and receive.

Just open up your heart and let Him live in you.

His Light Shines Through Us

There are a lot of things we simply can't understand.

We constantly ask,"Why do it has to happen?"

One thing I always keep in my heart; whatever happens, God cares.

Now, things may not go smoothly; however, the sun rises after a dark night, right?

And each night, the sun shines through the helpless moon.

Like the moon, we are shone through by God.

Aren't you glad that things go that way?

Whereby you can go through each up and down, knowing that there is Someone you can always hold on too.

All Out

I am exhausted, tired, and helpless. I know He has His strength in me, yet tears still run through my eyes. I wonder if crying indicate weakness; I hope not. Deep inside me, I know I should not be such a little girl. As I sat down in front of the mirror, I looked and saw that "girl" screaming out, "Grow up!" Oh, how I wish I could have seen a better picture which depicts my day. How I wish I could hear a nicer song, playing a peaceful melody. Not that I hate it now; I just... No! I shouldn't think of how much it could have been better; I'd rather fill myself with a grateful feeling, for it could have been worse.

I have been hearing music around, yet never have quite listened to it. Now that I have, I figured out the real melody it plays. I thought it has been playing a song of hope; however, its lyrics are like swords piercing my heart.

I was supposed to be tougher because I knew it, but why does it hurt even more when it gets more defined?

I missed those times when dismay was still far away behind me. Now, that hopelessness seems to be running beside me. I ran and ran as fast as I could, yet I couldn't escape from that prisoner. I stand in the midst of disguise till' I can't see the realness anymore. I was dropped from a higher mountain after I once believed that a change has taken place. Who would have known that it was all simply a lie?

If you want to stone me, do not hit my back; it hurts so much more when I could see you so innocently roaming around in front of me.

I do not care if you see me as an annoying insect,

I never want to think of how much you'd like to stab me,

I am too ignorant to try to find out what you've told people,

but I can never prevent myself from the pain caused.

I am sorry for being such a foolishly fooled fool, agreeing on pursuing an aimless goal.

You never want me around, that, I know.

How I wish you know the only reason I am staying is only to keep them from being hurt too.

Why? Cause I know how painful it is.

Oh! You're acting out a play which I do not want to act in at all.

Please, just wait till' I can find a way to escape.

I do not know how long it'll take me to find my way out, yet seek the patience in yourself.

I am so gonna be out of your way soon or later.

To the worst, if I were to stay,...

I'll play a background character, laying out a setting to support your great acting.

Or I could be your script writer. I don't mind as long as you do not see me as your competition.

I am here not to serve you, but to seek peace for the community.

I have out of ways of making you understand, yet with this small hope in me, I am going to follow through the path which is drawn for me.

When All is Said & Done

Thank God for He has guided me through it all.

Even though I have failed Him so many times by procrastinating after all the chances He has given me, He still waits for me to come with all my courage to speak.

Yes, I said it all out, everything I ever wanted to say.

I feel so grateful to God, for without His leading me, I would still be stumbling over my own fear.

My heart beat so fast , as I was afraid of how it would turn out to be.

Thank God again, for He has brought it all to peace.

I used to think of it as a bad nightmare of my life; but now, I can simply smile instead of crying because it happened and ended.

Fame vs. Family

Every girl has a dream,

Some picture themselves sitting down inside an exclusive office, becoming successful career women.

They may see themselves driving nice cars loaded with shopping bags.

You may be thinking about yourselves standing on stage with the crowds cheering out your name.

An actress? A great cook? A florist? What about me?

I admit I am such a dreamer.

Well, no one has ever said that it is wrong to dream, right?

I ain't dreaming about being on top of that fame mountain.

It's too much for me to cope with, almost worthless.

I'd rather spend time with my beloved ones, swimming, watching movies, baking cookies, playing games, and many more. Anything can be an enjoyment when I have those people beside me, family.

What can fame give you?

Popularity? Family gives you more than that, they give you LOVE.

Satisfaction? Appreciation is what family offers.

Praise? Family encourages you.

Huge posters with your face and name on it? Family has a huge poster of you in their hearts.

Oh, God has put you in your family for a reason, and whatever it is, I believe it is good for you :)

You may be able to climb up that high mountain, but what good would that do, if you have no one to share your joy with? How would you climb it up without the support of your beloved ones?

Wake yourself up! Realize how your family has been such a beauty in your life.

Out Of My Mind

Gazing out the window,

I could see the big orange hanging in the sky.

As I turn my sight towards the board,

I was hoping I could also turn my mind back to those numbers and words;

yet, everything seems so blurry.

All those talks, mumbling in my ears.

Oh, anyone please just scream at me, wake me up from this reminisce.

I remember those nights, when the stars spelled out your name in my dreams.

Now, they are just another nightmares, forcing me to stay awake until I'm able to throw those thoughts far away.

I remember when I could run to you unarmed, feeling so secure.

Now, seeing you around is like seeing thieves who might steal me back.

I remember how everything seems to be flawless;

Now everything's broken, and I'm still trying to stick those pieces back into a brand new shape.

I never want to go back; it is simply about being hold up high and dropped down.

The beauty does not worth the pain.

It is strange; how I thought it's all done in me.

I am angry, anxious, mad, and disappointed at myself, being overly confident, or shall I say stupid? For thinking of it as a simple matter.

Yes, that's what I thought, but in fact, it is so much more.

I wish I am a scientist or researcher or whoever can figure out how memories work in my brain.

Oh, dear, I gotta stop all these nonsense and get it all over with.

I do not know what to do; I am hanging in the middle of nowhere.

Shall I talk? Shall I just be quiet? Shall I..?

Tak Ada Hari Yang Sempurna

Indah hariku indah; hari yang dipenuhi dengan kehangatan persahabatan.

Sejak terbangun dari tidurku yang lelap, tak ada hal yang membuatku sedih, marah ataupun tersinggung.

Kuhirup udara yang begitu segar yang di selumbungi panas matahari yang tak terik namun cukup untuk mengusir hujan dan dinginnya kota.

Kuratapi jalan yang kulalui setiap harinya dari jendela kaca bis, orang-orang berbahagia, iya itu yang tergambarkan di mataku.

Yang ada di pikirku adalah satu hari, tak berpikir untuk meminta lebih, satu hari saja dimana aku bisa meredupkan api amarah di dalam diriku.

Dingin menusuk tulangku saat ku injakkan telapak kakiku di tepi laut.

Aku sudah tidak peduli akan hal-hal di sekitarku, bahkan celana panjangku yang telah terendam.

Aku berjalan dan berjalan menyusuri pantai untuk beberapa saat; Oh andai hidupku bisa seperti ini setiap harinya.

Sempat aku terbawa pergi oleh arus pantai yang begitu menenangkan, tetapi aku terbangun dari alam mimpiku yang kebetulan nyata.

Aku kembali ke tengah-tengah keramaian dan melanjutkan hariku.

Iya, semua memang baik-baik saja, itu yang ku harapkan.

Aku merasa siap menghadapi hari-hari esok yang mungkin tak akan seindah hari ini.

Hari ini tak hanya menjadi titik kebebasan, tapi juga menjadi satu lagi bukti akan tak ada hal yang sempurna.

Ku sangat berharap bahwa aku tak akan tahu mengapa, namun yang sudah terjadi tetaplah menjadi bukti yang kekal.

Singkat cerita, hari ini kututup dengan senyuman kesedihan.

Aku tak tahu arti dari yang terjadi, hal itu tak ingin ku bahas karena terlalu merisihkan di telinga.

Aku bingung, aku tak mengerti, aku cuman ingin meminta kekuatan dan keteguhan hati untuk menghadapi tunas yang sedang bertumbuh di hatiku ini.

Jangan sampai ia tumbuh menjadi pohon kebencian dan kepahitan.

So This Is Love

I had a very very bizarre day.

It started off with just a daily routine, school and friends.

Then, something struck me in my mind after I heard a song, "So this is love", a Cinderella soundtrack.

I did not have any idea what that was, but what I know was that it filled me up with a "wavy" feeling, in a good way, of course.

I was quite sure it's not the song itself, it's a feeling of having so much love and passion.

I was overly-bubbly that time, with all worries vacuumed away from my mind.

I could not explain or tell what happened to me.

(p.s. You can see it from my messy writing structure)

So this is love lalala

This is what makes life divine... lalala

I danced around my room while humming out softly the sweet song.

I had my cheeks blushing, and my feet tiptoeing, as if I was flying in my own dreamworld.

You probably thought, "Oh she must be falling in love."

Oh no! I was not falling in love or anything. That's why I said it was bizarre.

When I came to think of it, I realized, it's God, showing how much He loves me that He's always there in me at all time. He loves me, He loves you, He loves all of us. Amen

Strongest Weapon: Prayer

Do you struggle with insecurity everyday in your life?

And you're afraid to take even a step to face challenges.

Just like an unarmed army whose feet stumble, you dwell yourselves with selfless faith.

Time can never be your friend, it flows so slowly that you cringe behind your door, hiding from the reality.

Are you hopeless enough to give up?

Are your lives filled with desperation?

Do you know there's a great communicator which can connect you with God at anytime and anywhere?

It can be your powerful intangible weapon.

Yes! it's prayer.

God long not to only hear from you, but He long to listen to you every time.

Pray to ask.

2 Kings 20:5
"Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, 'This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD.

And you shall be given.

Pray for forgiveness.

2 Chronicles 7:14

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

And you shall be forgiven.

Pray for protection.

Psalm 32:6
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.

And you shall be secured.

Pray for guidance.

Jeremiah 42:3
Pray that the LORD your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do."

And a light shall lead you.

Pray and pray and pray to our God, Jesus.

Matthew 7:7

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you"

The Seems-to-be-the-easiest Thing To Do

What do you think is the easiest thing to do?

walk? not everyone can walk.

eat? some people have trouble on this one too.

Run? Swim? Jump? See? Hear? What else comes to your mind?

What about love?

sounds easy? "o yeah I love my parents, I love that person or these people"

What is "love"???

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

How beautiful "love" is in your mind?

I suppose, perfect.

How much you want to be loved?

Who would want to be hated?

Who can live without love?

No one?

Now, is it still easy for us to love?

Nowadays, the word "love" comes out from people's mouth pretty easily, but do they really really mean it? Maybe they do, but not all about "love" which is too big to cover.

For me, to love someone is very hard, or shall I say, impossible?

There's an exception though, the only exception, our God, Jesus.

Still wonder why? LOVE is Jesus Himself.

He loves us, through the cross He has shown us his unfailing love.

So, if love is not the easiest thing to do, what would it be then?

The opposite.

Hate? Judge? Complain?

Do you ever live a day without those words circulating in your mouth?

I have tried to think and think and think again, yet I could not find that day.

People who cannot walk or eat or jump or run, they can think and feel.

Just like a glass, fragile; once broken, it can be sticked back, but the cracks will always be there.

That's me, and I think, you and everyone else.

YES! it's easy to do, but not impossible to avoid.

Remember, nothing is impossible for God.

His love abounds everything.

Seek Him for strength, for only with His love, we can overcome those bitterness and hatred.

Do not treat this as a "cheap grace". Fear God, for the judgement day will come.

"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgement on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will pass God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" Romans 2: 1-4

So, every time you have the desire to throw out your judgement towards others, think of how you can be judged? Do you really have the right to judge? Are you sinless?

Another interpretation is the ease to hate and the difficulty to forgive.

I know it's not easy, yet God will help you fight that hatred.

Remember how Jesus always forgives you for each and every sin you do every time. If you are forgiven, why can't you forgive others?

Start a chain of forgiveness from now. Jesus forgives you forgive a forgives b and so on..

isn't it beautiful???

Fall Ahead Of Spring

Do you remember those times when we were playing hide and seek in the flower labyrinth last spring? You said that you saw my shadow, but I was never found. Like the rabbit in "Alice In Wonderland", I hopped away quickly as if I was racing with time. In the end, you managed to enter my world, the wonderland.

Do you remember that fall, when we were trying to collect all the falling dried leaves, hoping those leaves can be planted again next spring, where the beautiful drops of rains will fall again.

Do you remember when winter strikes in the calender? Through coldness of snow, we walked and walked until our legs were swollen and numbed. I could not forget that moment when you said, "Let me carry you," I felt relieved, but when I looked around us, I could see the entire white field of snow far away in the eyes. Although you tried to fool me, the fact that we were lost could not be equivocated.

In helplessness, we stood still in the middle of nowhere. Second by second passed by, the heat of the sun began to melt the snow away; however, the dried leaves we were carrying did not bloom into flowers, our dreams-never-come-true. We were both on the same path; what differed us was the plan ahead. I chose to come back to that labyrinth and wait to be found again, while you keep carrying that sack of dried leaves. I stand now in the midst of blooming flowers, and found the flower which blooms all the way through all seasons. I am relieved; what about you? I am not a mind reader, but I can see how you kneel down, hoping to see the planted dried leaves grow back. You are running away towards the dried season, when through the journey, joy of spring surrounds you.

I wish I could lend my eyes for you to see what I am seeing right now.

Yards through yards of colorful flowers, sprinkles of the petals covering each inch of ground, sweet smell of garden, warmth of the sun runs through me. I could not have asked for more except to see you and everyone else in the same spot or even a better one, if there is.

All you have to do is to turn around and take a few small steps towards that sweet spot. Leave that dried land and come to a land, where you can wait for the flower to bloom.

I Met The Bestest Friend Of All

For girls of my age, FYI I'm sixteen-going-on-seventeen (yes, I'm still considered "highschoolish" and I admit it^^), perhaps highschool time is still very unforgettable and play a dominant role inside my brain. Is it normal? Or is it just me who is too childish to think this way? Well, I don't really care what others think of me because no matter how sad, depressing, and silly some of those highschool moments are, there are so much more beautiful ones to always remember. Fights, conflicts, mocks, tears, and anxiety; they built friendships up. I am proud to share how rough my highschool friendships journey was, yet here we are standing firm now although we are on our separate ways, hoping each other can encounter same good friends.

He may find kind friends, she may meet loyal ones, they may be friends with the smart ones, and all sort of good friends around the world. For me, I have met lots of good accountable friends, family. There's a special one among them, someone who is faithful, loyal, great, lovable, caring, and I do not think there will be enough words to describe this one friend of mine. He is not only my friend, but He is my father, my king, my savior, my everything. He is very friendly to everyone, even to those who has not known Him yet. He may be a special friend of yours too; Yes! His name is JESUS, the bestest friend I have ever met <3

Sorting The Memories

Bad and good memories are like water and oil; they cannot be separated.

Oh, how I wish they can simply be a mixture of sulphuric powder and iron, so I can use a small magnet to separate the iron from the sulphuric powder. Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen.

Like it or not, our minds are designed in such a complex way that it can hold stacks of memories.

Maybe that's why the words, "forget" and "remember" exist at the first place. You may say you've forgotten, but remembrance can hit you anytime. Human may forget, but only God remembers no more.

If I were to speak in a "scientific" way, things around you are all catalysts. Yes! take me as an example; every time I listen to certain songs or watch some random TV shows, they remind me of some parts of my past. What's worse? The little bits of remembrance are like oars rowing the boat, my mind, to flow back and forth to my past to my present, stirring up my emotion.

I was angry when I remembered those betrayals on top of my loyalty.

Sadness struck me as I reminisce how things could have been better.

Perhaps, all the anxiety are the price of saving the good memories.

My laughters were almost unstoppable every time I remember those silly jokes and pranks.

Blushes on my cheeks blooms when I pictured back those puppy love stories.

Though tears flow down from my eyes, though I have to bare the pain of my past, somehow, someway, they are worth the happiness and joys I have in the other side of my memories.

Selembar Hariku

Hari yang indah ini seharusnya lebih dari cukup untuk melukiskan sebuah senyum di wajahku.

Matahari yang bersinar di kota hujan ini seharusnya dapat mengeringkan setiap tetes air mataku.

Tetapi sepertinya aku terlalu takut untuk menunjukan kehancuran di dalam diriku.

Aku hanya dapat sembunyi di balik tempat tidurku seakan aku terlalu lemah bahkan untuk mengucapkan sepatah kata.

Atau mungkin saja ada terlalu banyak yang ingin aku katakan sehingga aku menjadi bingung akan apa yang harus kulontarkan.

Aku tersesat ketika aku baru saja meninggalkan hari laluku dan aku tak tahu apakah aku dapat menjalani hari hari baruku.

Aku kehilanggan apa yang aku miliki sebelumnya, seperti kura-kura yang lepas dari tempurungnya.

Di kedinginan hujan dah keterikan matahari, aku hanya bisa menenggelamkan diri di lautan tangisan penyesalan.

Tanpa kusadari, telah kupakai lagi topeng lamaku yang telah usang dan rapuh, tetapi aku tidak peduli lagi karena sudah tiada lagi yang bisa kulakukan selain membohongi hati kecilku.

Aku yakin aku masih mempunyai kekuatan untuk berkata bahwa aku baik baik saja.

Aku masih memiliki sebuah kuas untuk menggambar sebuah senyum di atas kesedihanku.

Mungkin aku tidak bisa menjalani hari esok dengan alunan lagu gembira, tetapi dengan senyum senyum yang telah kulukis, akan ku taburkan warna warni tawa ceria untuk orang-orang yang aku sayangi.

Walaupun hampir jatuh air mataku, tetap akan kupinjamkan pundakku bagi mereka yang membutuhkannya.

Inginku lari dari kenyataan yang cukup pedih ini, namun tak ingin ku singgah di perhentian yang sama.

Mungkin aku memang harus berhenti mencari dan menerima apa adanya hidupku ini.

No More Moving On

People might have said I was Cinderella, and he was the prince charming.

We flew around the dancing floor, time seems to freeze.

There I was, unable to deny that nothing could have gone wrong.

We were like inventors, inventing an unbreakable "it".

My vein sipped a drop of it, and like poison, it slowly sticked itself to every cell there was.

It knocked on my unlocked door, came in, and locked itself from the inside.

I was stuck in my own space, so I ran away to nowhere.

They might tell him to search for me through the castle.

Oh, I was afraid to say that I have no glass slipper to leave him with.

Yes, I escaped successfully, while he closed all doors in his castle, searching and looking, but never found a single trace.

As I hid myself in a disguise, I could hear people talking, guessing who or what could have caused him to officially imprison himself.

The poison in me boiled up, as I consumed the news around the castle.

Still, I didn't want to go to any doctor in town.

Instead, I experimented on the cure to this disease, I and he had.

Then, I realized that the cure was the poison itself.

Satisfying the fear of going to his castle, I wrote a letter and sent it to him.

"Remember all the things we planned and dreamed of; they're never meant to work out right.

The fire which has been burning; our tears are meant to burn it out.

Even though it's difficult, but I know you'll find another that does not always make you want to cry.

We both know that it's wrong, and you can't just make it feel right.

Our yesterdays may be beautiful; however, we cannot stay in the crossroads.

You know I have to go north when you're going south; there's no end point for us to meet.

Let's leave all those broken dreams and false hopes.

Don't let the word, impossible, fall out from your mouth.

I am here to show you that although it seems like the longest winter without you, I have started a ride away.

Don't feel condemned for the guile is not yours; you could not have cared more, but I cared for you too much that I want you to move on.

Even though I know it will hurt to heal, I was able to bare it; therefore, you shall too.

Worry no more of me, for there's no more moving on for me, I am already gone."

So What? I got You

Some people told me to play in the safe side to prevent myself from being hurt.

They say I should stay away from the burning fire because I might get burned.

I was asked to trust only myself to make sure I won't be fooled.

And I shall not jump cause I might fall.

I have to keep my mouth shut because what I said may break other's heart.

So what if I got hurt? I just want to be happy.

So what if I'm burned? I want to feel the warmth.

So what if I'm fooled? The truth lies in Him who lives in me.

So what if I fall? I want to reach the highest cloud in the sky.

And even though I might break their hearts, I might also speak out and cease the pain.

"Aren't you afraid of pain?"

"Don't you fear failures?"

"Do you know those wounds will take forever to heal?"

SO WHAT? I got Him :)

I Want To Be Your Sunflower

Do you know how sunflowers act?

Yes, they always face the sun.

The sun may rise,

It may set,

But sunflowers never fail to look up to the sky, waiting for the sun to rise again.

Oh why? That's because they know the sun never disappears, it is just hiding behind the clouds.

How do I know? Look around you! Night may come; however, the sun still shine our world up.

Like the sun, God is always there watching each and every one of us.

Like the sun, He shines upon us during our ups and downs.

I want to be His sunflower, relying my life on Him.

I do not want to turn my back because I know, He is my strength and everything.

To Him, I can show all my weaknesses, my fragility, and all that I am.

I know no matter what my condition is, He, like the sun towards sunflowers, will always shine on me. Thank You God^^

Writer Of My Life

Life is a blank notebook.

God has given each of us a pen to write each chapter of our life.

We have a freewill to plan for our days and nights.

Unfortunately, evils are surrounding us, editing our writings. Whereby temporary happiness are dragged down into endless sorrow.

The good news is God has sent His Son, Jesus to save all of us.

He has poured out His blood to erase all that is wrongly written; thank God :)

All we have to do is to accept the offer, and receive the salvation.

Oh, for me, I'd even want to just give away my book to Him, and let Him write every letter in my book. Why? that's because I know whatever He writes there is good for me.

Moreover, I know I have lack of strength and wisdom to write my own book.

I have written with numerous mistakes, just like ruining a special gift. Who gets hurt? the giver, yes, God's heart's hurt because of me, yet He rain down mercy and with the blood of Jesus cleanse them all.

What could I give back to thank Him? I am not even worthy of the gift of life. I'd just like to return it all back to God. Let Him use my book to tell His stories, and let Him be the writer of my life.

Still Believe

Do you ever wonder why you are created the way you are?

And then, you start thinking of how much you could have been better.

As you look at yourself in the mirror, you see how your life is reflected.

Does your mirror ever tell you how frail hope is?

Does it make you feel like prayers are in vain?

And you are tired of going through failure after failure.

Time seems to be running away ahead of you, predicting more disappointments.

You walk in the heavy pouring rain, when you can't see the way, when your eyes are blinded by fear, when the voice of faith are covered up by the loud scoffers.

Then, you begin to blame people and circumstances around you.

Do you know that mirrors lie? They never truly show the exact "you". They show the bulge or thinner or anything more or less of you. So, what's the truth? God's words are.

For it says "Neither this man nor his parents sinned.", said Jesus; "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3

If you're never hungry, how can food satisfy you?

If you're never sick, how can you be healed?

If you never fall, how can you stand?

Yes people, life is filled with misery, so that you can experience God's wonderful works.

"The lord told him, "Go to the house of Judas on straight street and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying. In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight." Acts 9:11-12

"Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel." Acts 9:15

If you never feel that satisfaction, how can you show proof to people to share your joy?

Yes people, you are not just the chosen generation, but you are the chosen instrument.

I Am Currently A Sleepwalker

I have this very weird thinking in my mind.

During holidays, I feel like going to school.

During school days, I scream out for holidays.

Is it just me? Or do you have the same thinking with me?

I never have the willingness to do research on this matter because it's just a silly thing to be curious about. I would not have time to do so anyway, since my assignments have the ability to reproduce by themselves naturally. In the other side, the rate of my brain productivity seems to be accelerating very slowly. Right now, I am like an old machine which is being heated up to be used; I wonder how some people can get back on the hot seat so quickly.

Up till' now the title of this post still has no connection with the context? Actually, it does not break the rule of coherency.

Why do I refer myself as a sleepwalker???

Well, it is because I do all school works, but somewhere in my soul, the holiday spirit is still roaming around. I am like a sleepwalker who walk and (I don't know, since I am not a real "sleepwalker") do anything, but I am still asleep or unconscious.

As I look at my syllabuses, the alarm clock in my brain rings and rings, but unfortunately, snoozing system does exist in my brain alarm clock. Not that I have a sweet dream, perhaps I am just trying to escape from time.

Small Person With A Big Heart

We are SMALL people living in a BIG world.

Our world is a SMALL planet in this BIG galaxy.

Perhaps, our galaxy is a SMALL entity in a BIG creation, which our God has created.

And in every second, who knows if a new entity has been created?

So, our world is getting smaller and smaller each moment compare to everything He has created.

Can you imagine how SMALL each one of us in God's eyes? Yet, He gives us everlasting BIG BIG love.

If our BIG God can give us, the SMALL ones, BIG BIG love, why can't we, the SMALL ones, give Him our everything??? our time, our hearts, our minds and everything...

To be honest, it is very easy for me to type all these, but to set myself to it is something else.

All those distractions and unstable mind-setting..

I guess it is factual that putting something into theory is very much easier than the practical.

Wait a minute! I did not and will not say it's IMPOSSIBLE, everything is POSSIBLE in God's hands right? YES!

What I do to begin with is to give it all for God's glory, all my efforts for studying, waking up early, doing the chores, and simply everything for Him instead for ourselves or anybody else.

You know what I found out? I always feel like whatever I do is never gonna be enough.

Any of you feel the same way?

I can only think of two things which gonna get into your mind after that feeling:

1. Drives you to do more and more.

2. Drives you away from doing it because you think it's worthless.

Number 1 seems fine to me, but number 2 (a case to be solved)

For those who think "that" way;

Ask yourself this question. "Which one matters more? The quantity or quality?"

Imagine a small tree growing on a good soil; it produced a few good fruits.

And imagine another big tree growing on a bad soil; it produced many bad fruits.

If you were to be a tree, which one would you want to be? Of course the small one, right?

No matter how few you think your deeds are,

No matter how small your part is,

What matters more is your HEART, the soil where the tree grow.

Think of it, how BIG the smile on Jesus' face will be if you give Him your heart?

And isn't that the point of everything? YES.

So, be a SMALL person with a BIG heart^^