Simple Complexity

Thinking of you thinking of me..

Thinking of her thinking of me..

Thinking of him thinking of me..

Thinking of them thinking of me..

Bringing me up and up and then down and down..

My ears could only bear such messages, filtered through the wind and dusts around.

Which part should I consider believing? Hers? Theirs? Or neither?

"Why bother at the first place?" <--- A question I wished I could ask without being scared to be WRONG again. You know, I do really accept being a screen protector, scratches after scratches are totally fine as long as they do not torn me away from the screen where I am sticking myself on.

I thought and thought and thought over this till' my brain's boiled up, but still nothing seems to be able to be a solver. Finally, I let all those thoughts all slipped away from my mind. Guess what?! That turns out to be the great cure to all my stress :)

The whole month's summed up into:

"If all that you do cannot change people's perspective towards you, try harder, try as hard as you can, try and try and try, and if you can't, you should try even harder; feel like your world's crashing down by now? Then change your perspective towards theirs." :)

He Feels Us

For the very first time in my 17 years of life, that dark thought struck me. "Death" never been whispered so close to my ears before. If my life was a tree, I'd be leafless; every little aspect seems to be falling apart from the grips of my stems. As I was waiting for Spring to come, I struggled all the way through Winter. The shivering coldness of people and the swirling wind of words were slowly absorbed through my skin to my heart and mind. How I wished I have no senses, so I would not be able to feel pain or sadness; I wished those words do not exist in my dictionary. I could keep wishing until the world stop turning, still they could never be granted.

Sounds depressing? Yes, I was depressed. If I were to describe it economically, it would be the hyperinflation during recession. Scientifically, it would be a 10.0 Richter earthquake. Artistically, a pitch black poster. How else can I transfer my feeling to you? I guess no one could ever relate exactly to me. You may have faced a worse situation than me, but when you are having a problem, don't you always think that it's the worst ever? For me, yes, I care no more of how simple or easy people think my life is.

But, one morning, I was humming the song "Jesus, lover of my soul". Part of the lyrics was, " ... though my world may fall, I'll never let you go; my savior, my closest friend.." God whispered softly, " Vanny, I feel you.", "Vanny, don't you ever forget this friend of yours, me."

Yes, I might have lost what I once have, I might be bombarded with bad news one after another, and I might be waking up, dragging myself to go through another day. No one can understand except Jesus. He died on the cross, feeling all sort of torment, depression, sadness, and all the bad things you could ever possibly imagined. He went through them all just to understand how it feels to be us, human, whom He was saving. He doesn't only understand me, but you; Yes! YOU!!! :D

So, through everything, you would always have your bestest friend understanding you. If you do not have one, you should start building your friendship with my bestest friend, Jesus :)

Zoom Out

Have you ever tried to see a galaxy through a telescope?

Let me share with you my experience :)

When I was little, I attempted to use the telescope in my house balcony, expecting to get a glance of beautiful milky way or a falling star. However, what I saw was fully blackened picture. As I grew up, I learnt that that black shot is actually just a small tiny spot of the huge galaxy.

Like my childhood experience, that's how we are in our lives. When we do something, we expect great things to happen instantly; however, our sight are blackened by obstacles and trials which give us up. Don't you ever think of how those problems actually are the part of your success in the future?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

What are you up to now in your life? Looking for a job? Waiting on the university admissions? Financially struggling? Dealing with sickness, broken heart, or conflicts?

Do those problems blurred the vision God has for you? Why don't take a step back and see the bigger picture God has put up for you? His plan is so big that you can't just see a tiny spot of it; you ought to see the finish line ahead :)

How Am I?

I am feeling..

Like a little kid eating dark chocolate. As I looked at it, dark colored squares which portrays bitterness; however, as I took a bite, I could feel the sweetness because that's what other told me.

"CARE"less. My happiness is not just mine. I ought to fill myself with depression, so my portion of happiness can be given to others, who, as I try to think, might need or deserve it more than I do.

Selfish. Contradicting to my point, but I wish I have the heart to be more of ME. Is it wrong to get or to have what I do not deserve? I never asked for it. Yes, I'll change how things are, as wished. This world is not all about me, it's about thinking of others every single second. If there's any spare moments, thinking of yourself would be kind of acceptable, I guess and I hope.

Blablabla

Some like to ask, "Why?" while others say, "How?"

For me, I need the answers to both.

Why do emotions have to be so impactful?

How does everything lead to this point?

I cannot complain about the answers people would point out because it's me against the said-to-be "right" people. Do I still have the sympathy after being thrown into such a condemned position when I do not believe I deserve to be? Yes, I always do, I guess. Should I wait for them to press the bombing button? Or should I just admit that I know its presence under my seat? Now, I've lost my ability to read between these lines; they're just so close to each other that I couldn't see the lines, separating them. Cliche, I would say to everything. Everybody deserves to be happy, but only some have the joyfulness to enjoy others'. I guess mine only stumbles many. Shall I just cut it off and lock myself again in that prison of losers? The term "loser" doesn't sound bad to me, not anymore. I'm pretty resistant to it, the pain's covered with the tearful smiles, my history, something which strengthen me.