The Broken Necklace

Few days ago, something weird happen. Perhaps you could already guess from the title; YES! The chain of my necklace broke all of a sudden. You might be thinking, "So what? That happens all the time". That could just be another life's coincidence, but God never works through coincidences because He has reasons for all things.

I have been wearing this necklace with a cross pendant for roughly 2 years. I always take if off before showering, so as to maintain its quality. More or less, I pretty much take good care of it.

Enough of the necklace's history. For these past few weeks, I have been faced with a lot of changes from school to surroundings. I thought I would be able to accept all those things instantly and joyfully; however, I did not. In addition, things quickly piled up in my schedule, and it was beyond what I could handle; at least in my thought. If I were to count the number of complaints I have had, perhaps counting babies' hair would be easier to do.

The moment my necklace dropped from my neck onto the table, I was struck by God's message behind this happening. I was strongly reminded of the very basic thing about how Christians shall live. It is how Jesus already died on the cross, carrying not only our sins, but also our burdens. Do not ever try to do things with your own strength because I guarantee you 100% that you'll be worn out and exhausted. Jesus provides you the strength to do His will, so rely on it instead of yourself.

God spoke to me, "Vanny, don't you remember how I have took away all of your burdens at the cross? Let me cast away all troubles from your mind, just let go off your cross and let me carry it for you."

The Come Back

When did I stop praying for those people who are living without love? When did I stop pleading to God for their salvation? When did I give up? When did I simply swallow all that He give me and not throw it all out to many? When did my lips get sealed by fear and discouragement? When did His words begin to stop shining in my life? When did worship and praise only happen in the count of my fingers weekly? When did thankfulness for all that He does fly away from my heart?

When did all these things happen? Why? Isn't God the best runaway place? Isn't He whom you'd seek when tears begin to fall? Then why did I put Him away in the corner of my heart?

The answer, I realized, is "my choice".

God says..

"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Then why do we sometimes feel like He is further than miles away? If you have not realized, it is us who refuse to feel His presence. It is us who ignores Him calling out for us every time. If you are in this state right now, know that He is there, right now, beside you. All you need to do is to say a little prayer and open up your ears to listen to His voice.

God bless all of you :D

God, Our Best Hairdresser

"I'd like it a bit shorter.."

"I miss my old long style.."

"This color looks ridiculous on me.."

"Should I wait for it to grow naturally?"

"I think I will use the extended fake one.."

"I am so gonna cover it up with accessories..."

Do you ever say those things in front of a mirror, while looking at yourself? If not, at least, for once in your lives, I am pretty sure that you have the desire to change your hairstyle.

I was just doing it moments ago, and God struck me with an illustration.

He asks me, "Why don't you like your hair the way it is?"

And then, all of these thoughts start to run through my mind.

What about putting on some extension?

The complication of treating it, risk of it falling off or looking fake. The worst of all is when people figured it out?!?!? Oh no!

Coloring it?

The colors' going to be gone and makes my hair so dry. Having to buy special shampoos and conditioner and the list goes on will dry my pocket.

WIG? I am kidding, right? Imagine the heat you have to bare for the whole day; Oh! not to forget the itchiness of it.

Nothing else in mind...

"What about you just wait for it to grow long naturally?" , a voice whispers in my ears.

And I thought to myself, "There is simply no problem at all with waiting."

When you are waiting upon something in life, sometimes you feel like it would never come. You pray and you pray, and God says," Keep waiting." I need no proof of God's faithfulness in my life; there are a bunch of stories in the bible which show that great things happen to those who wait upon Him.

Waiting for your hair to grow will really test your patience, but wouldn't the result be the best?

I hope that all of you keep filling up your hopes on Our faithful God, Jesus.

Your Expression Matters

If you were to describe your life right at this very moment, what adjective would come up from your mouth? For me, I would automatically said great or fine or good or awesome or any positive ones. Do those words truly reflect what you are feeling? For me, most of the times, nope. Our lives are going on and on imperfectly; there is always something fix-able.

Then, how come some people always look happy? How do they make their lives problem free?

The answer is that they always have one solid solution for all the problems. They are not problem-free but worry-free. Think for a moment, what leads to the expression on our faces? Feelings. Feelings can be chosen. When you watch a movie, can you choose to focus on the sad part or the happy ending? Yes. When your pet died, can you choose to cry for a whole week or move on? Yes. When you failed a test, can you choose whether to learn your mistake or complain on the difficulties you faced? Yes.

I used to be so confused when people asked me, "Why are you always cheerful everytime I meet you?". But now, I know how God cease down all the pain, grudge, and sadness everytime I am in the midst of people. He helps me lose focus on the downs and brings me to a joyful sensation. Not that I never cry or scream or be anxious, I just choose not to reflect it on the outer.

I am not telling you to hide everything to yourself or to lie about how you feel. It's about making yourself feel better in times of sadness not to run away from it :) Sometimes, you cannot hold it, then it's okay to let it all out; it's not a mistake to do so. Just keep in mind, how your action even the simple expression on your face can affect the surroundings :)

Let God shines His light through every expression on your faces.

Simple Complexity

Thinking of you thinking of me..

Thinking of her thinking of me..

Thinking of him thinking of me..

Thinking of them thinking of me..

Bringing me up and up and then down and down..

My ears could only bear such messages, filtered through the wind and dusts around.

Which part should I consider believing? Hers? Theirs? Or neither?

"Why bother at the first place?" <--- A question I wished I could ask without being scared to be WRONG again. You know, I do really accept being a screen protector, scratches after scratches are totally fine as long as they do not torn me away from the screen where I am sticking myself on.

I thought and thought and thought over this till' my brain's boiled up, but still nothing seems to be able to be a solver. Finally, I let all those thoughts all slipped away from my mind. Guess what?! That turns out to be the great cure to all my stress :)

The whole month's summed up into:

"If all that you do cannot change people's perspective towards you, try harder, try as hard as you can, try and try and try, and if you can't, you should try even harder; feel like your world's crashing down by now? Then change your perspective towards theirs." :)

He Feels Us

For the very first time in my 17 years of life, that dark thought struck me. "Death" never been whispered so close to my ears before. If my life was a tree, I'd be leafless; every little aspect seems to be falling apart from the grips of my stems. As I was waiting for Spring to come, I struggled all the way through Winter. The shivering coldness of people and the swirling wind of words were slowly absorbed through my skin to my heart and mind. How I wished I have no senses, so I would not be able to feel pain or sadness; I wished those words do not exist in my dictionary. I could keep wishing until the world stop turning, still they could never be granted.

Sounds depressing? Yes, I was depressed. If I were to describe it economically, it would be the hyperinflation during recession. Scientifically, it would be a 10.0 Richter earthquake. Artistically, a pitch black poster. How else can I transfer my feeling to you? I guess no one could ever relate exactly to me. You may have faced a worse situation than me, but when you are having a problem, don't you always think that it's the worst ever? For me, yes, I care no more of how simple or easy people think my life is.

But, one morning, I was humming the song "Jesus, lover of my soul". Part of the lyrics was, " ... though my world may fall, I'll never let you go; my savior, my closest friend.." God whispered softly, " Vanny, I feel you.", "Vanny, don't you ever forget this friend of yours, me."

Yes, I might have lost what I once have, I might be bombarded with bad news one after another, and I might be waking up, dragging myself to go through another day. No one can understand except Jesus. He died on the cross, feeling all sort of torment, depression, sadness, and all the bad things you could ever possibly imagined. He went through them all just to understand how it feels to be us, human, whom He was saving. He doesn't only understand me, but you; Yes! YOU!!! :D

So, through everything, you would always have your bestest friend understanding you. If you do not have one, you should start building your friendship with my bestest friend, Jesus :)

Zoom Out

Have you ever tried to see a galaxy through a telescope?

Let me share with you my experience :)

When I was little, I attempted to use the telescope in my house balcony, expecting to get a glance of beautiful milky way or a falling star. However, what I saw was fully blackened picture. As I grew up, I learnt that that black shot is actually just a small tiny spot of the huge galaxy.

Like my childhood experience, that's how we are in our lives. When we do something, we expect great things to happen instantly; however, our sight are blackened by obstacles and trials which give us up. Don't you ever think of how those problems actually are the part of your success in the future?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

What are you up to now in your life? Looking for a job? Waiting on the university admissions? Financially struggling? Dealing with sickness, broken heart, or conflicts?

Do those problems blurred the vision God has for you? Why don't take a step back and see the bigger picture God has put up for you? His plan is so big that you can't just see a tiny spot of it; you ought to see the finish line ahead :)

How Am I?

I am feeling..

Like a little kid eating dark chocolate. As I looked at it, dark colored squares which portrays bitterness; however, as I took a bite, I could feel the sweetness because that's what other told me.

"CARE"less. My happiness is not just mine. I ought to fill myself with depression, so my portion of happiness can be given to others, who, as I try to think, might need or deserve it more than I do.

Selfish. Contradicting to my point, but I wish I have the heart to be more of ME. Is it wrong to get or to have what I do not deserve? I never asked for it. Yes, I'll change how things are, as wished. This world is not all about me, it's about thinking of others every single second. If there's any spare moments, thinking of yourself would be kind of acceptable, I guess and I hope.

Blablabla

Some like to ask, "Why?" while others say, "How?"

For me, I need the answers to both.

Why do emotions have to be so impactful?

How does everything lead to this point?

I cannot complain about the answers people would point out because it's me against the said-to-be "right" people. Do I still have the sympathy after being thrown into such a condemned position when I do not believe I deserve to be? Yes, I always do, I guess. Should I wait for them to press the bombing button? Or should I just admit that I know its presence under my seat? Now, I've lost my ability to read between these lines; they're just so close to each other that I couldn't see the lines, separating them. Cliche, I would say to everything. Everybody deserves to be happy, but only some have the joyfulness to enjoy others'. I guess mine only stumbles many. Shall I just cut it off and lock myself again in that prison of losers? The term "loser" doesn't sound bad to me, not anymore. I'm pretty resistant to it, the pain's covered with the tearful smiles, my history, something which strengthen me.

Our Shining Sun

I might not be an expertise in astronomy, I might not be able to see the universe with bare eyes, I never even seen our earth from afar directly, but I know one thing. The sun is always shining no matter what :)

Now, imagine during those times when the dark sky is hanging above your heads, and the clouds are passing by as you stare out the windows. Do you ever consider how sunny those days are? I bet not, right? Just like the weather, we sometimes do not realize God's presence in our daily lives. We are so focused at those stormy weather, out feelings, circumstances, and many other things which blurred the vision of the Sun.

The sun shines through not only summer but also spring, fall, and even winter.

Snow might fall on the ground, rain might waters the land, flowers might bloom, the sun was, is, and will always be there. So when you are sad, down, depressed, failed, hurt, or simply gloomy, remember that God's there shining the brightest joy and peace for you.

Isn't it wonderful to have such a great God?

Hold on! There's more to that...

Think of how we are lost without His light; Yes! We are the moon.

People thought moon has its own light which shines through the nights, but the fact speaks differently. The sun is shining through the moon when the moon is blocking the sun at nights.

Did you get the illustration here?

People give you compliments all the time; have you ever thought of who gives you all goods that you have? GOD :)

We, the moon, are imperfect beings, but God still uses all of us to shine through the darkness.

Isn't He good? Isn't He so loving? Yes, He is so much more that words can say.

The Catcher

Do you know trust fall?

It's a way to exercise trust with your team mates, coworkers, or any group of people.

You will stand up with your hand crossed in front of your chest and drop yourself straight down backward from a height. How would that test your trust? It would because you will feel the hesitance to let yourself fall backwards. Oops!! Of course your friends or family will be down there to catch you.

Let us apply this to our daily life. When we're standing on our problems, who do you trust to catch your trust fall? Your parents? Your friends? Your boyfriend or girlfriend? Your teacher? Do you ever encounter a problem which you do not feel like you can share with those trusted ones? Or you are not sure if they would give the right advice for you? Do you know why you have that hesitance in your heart? It is because you know all of us are imperfect, and we make mistakes. There is only one who is perfect, GOD :)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ~Proverbs 3 : 5 - 6

God tells us to trust in Him with all of our hearts. Trust is when you RELY on someone. The question is can you trust someone you do not know? Imagine sharing your problems to some random strangers; I do not think you would do that, right? So, build your relationship with God. For those who do not know Him yet, test Him for He will not let you down :D How to build your relationship with Jesus? Pray, pray, pray, and read His words.

How to not lean on our understanding? When we're having problems, sometimes we think there's no more hope. Amazingly, nothing is impossible in Him; therefore, He wants us to see things through His perspective where nothing is impossible.

He wants us to acknowledge Him :) Know that He is down there to catch all of your falls. Isn't it wonderful to know how someone perfect is always there 24/7 to help you out with your problems?

The best thing of all is the last part where He said that He will make our paths straight.

Let us surrender everything and just drop ourselves into His arms, and He will carry us in His gentle arms through the right paths. Thank You Abba Father :)

His Love : More Than All I Ever Wanted

My last weekend was those days I called " Brain Boiler days". Yes! All grudges passed my limit of patience, and it struck up to the top of my head. All days long, I have a smile projected on my face, but my heart and mind were focused on this one tiny little brain boiler whom I referred as a joy sucker.

The absence of joy in myself did not last long :)

My Sunday did not have a good start, but as I entered the church sanctuary, slowly but sure my anxiety was calmed. I sat down to pray; all I could say was, "God, please pour out Your love, teach me how to love unconditionally like how You love this imperfect child of Yours. I came here today to worship You, so please help me to forget all the grudges. " Then, I stood up and began to worship. God answer my prayers in all kinds of ways; one of them is from songs. Yes! That Sunday, we sang a song titled "Forever Reign". A part of the lyrics struck me so deeply where it says, "the riches of your love will always be enough." God reminded me of how wide His love is that it covers all the pain, anxiety, and sadness I felt. He's not done yet with me; He then put back a verse into my head, the verse I read in my morning devotional book.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." ~Ephesians 4 : 2-3

My lips stuttered, my heart's overwhelmed, my eyes drop couple of teardrops instantly, in the quietness of my mind, I could only whisper "thank You, thank You, thank You..." over and over again. What else could I have said?

I wish there's a word to describe God's love, but there isn't. It's just too much for me; more than I could ever wanted. How could you refuse to receive such LOVE?

Wearing Their Shoes

Sometimes people do things impulsively. They simply act before they think.

After all is said and done, they would think back and realized how bad their actions or sayings were.

Can this actually be prevented? YES!!!

All people have their own experiences which we might never go through before; therefore, you should not judge others but try to understand them instead.

Imagine if you were to walk in someone else's shoes.

It might be too big or too small for you.

Same applies to our lives, others' problems might seems smaller or bigger to you than to others, so do not act as though all people have the same standard with you.

"Because He himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2 : 18

Jesus Himself suffered to understand us, sinners, so He can help us.

He never expects us to be able to do things He can do, but He's there to strengthen and help us. He never compares us with others, so why are we doing it? If Jesus can be so loving to sinners, why can't we do it to our fellow brothers and sisters?

Invisible

"Who are you?", I asked myself over and over again, but I still can't find the right words to define myself. Perhaps I should create a new word to describe "me", and put it into the dictionary; that'll be simply absurd. If I were to choose, right at this moment, I would pick this word, "imperfect".

Yes, no one is perfect, including myself. Sometimes, I never meant to do the things that I did. Sometimes, I just wanted to hide who I am inside, that weak girl. Sometimes, I just wanted to start over certain parts of my life, at least not re-doing the mistakes I did. Sometimes, I fail to do things I wanted to do. Not to mention, all the sharp swords piercing my mind, heart, and even my soul. "you think way too much", well, I am sorry for not being invincible.

Would you, you, and you make me invisible? I do not need attention if it will only snatch away my freedom to be who I am, to cry, to be angry, to be gloomy.. I am sorry, I am not that perfect little miss sunshine; I am a human being with ups and downs. You may say I am the one standing at the center stage, but deep inside, all I want to be is that rock at the back corner of the stage.

Love Him, You, and Them

"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it : 'Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22 : 37-38

In these verses that I shared above, I'd like to discuss about the bolded phrase, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.

Sometimes, we are so focused with the part which tells us to love our neighbor, but we neglect the part that tells us about how we shall love them,

Yes, we shall love them like we love ourselves. Now the question is "Do you love you?"

People would automatically say, "Of course I love myself!"

Do you look down on yourself?

Do you ever wonder why you are you?

Are you wishing you are living someone else's life?

Have you had any desire to be more or less this or that?

If there's any whisper of a "yes" in your deepest heart to any one or more of these questions, then you are not loving yourself. If you love others these ways then you will only set expectations over them.

You might reach out your hands to them, but in your thoughts you spare some rooms for those people to be more of how you want them to be.

"Oh! They're just small kids."

"Why are they so nagging?"

"Can they be a bit more like others?"

"How I wish they're easier to be calmed down..."

LOVE is GOD.

God never expects us to be someone else to be loved by Him.

If you want to love people, love God first, love what God has created, you, then you can learn to love others.

Living Appreciatively

Do you know why some people see life as a chaos?

It's because they see others' worlds as flawless crystals.

Like me, I was afraid to appear "broken" among the fragile glasses full of happiness.

Insecurity filled me up as I went against other people's judgement. Yes, it is the nature of human to generalize, seeing the feathered creatures as those which fly. Well, what if I am a penguin who swims or an ostrich who runs? Do I need to be sorry because I am "me"?

I learned to say NO to that question today. They might have the sky, some might roam around the land, while the rest could float on the sea. All have their own paths in life but only one destination, happiness and peace. Stop considering yourself as a mess and appreciate life with all that comes with it.