Your Smiles Are My Happy Tears

When I saw you walking through that door with a smile on your face, a second of my time froze.

That's the smile you used to project to show how everything was going to be okay.

That's the smile you gave me to cheer me up from the downs.

And that's the smile I want to always see on your face.

I wonder why my heart, my mind, and my body acted differently just now.

My mind thought,

"I know that a year is way too long already for me to be stuck in your trap; therefore, I have moved on. You're my past, nothing less and nothing more. Now, I'm going to chill and relax cause you know what? You're my nobody."

Oh! How I wished I could be so tough.

Despite of the pride I have in my mind, something began to stream it down.

My heart felt,

"It's time for us to talk about this torturing feeling, about the longings, and the unrevealed compassion. It's been too long for us to be drowning in this awkward uneasiness. How are you doing? Do you still like to stay up late and wake up early the next morning? I got that habit from you :P . How's your family? How's your studies? How's everything?"

Oh! I wished I could talk normally, as if our past has just been erased.

Yeah! I could have stayed cool or stole some glances at you, but what did I do?

My body didn't follow my mind nor my heart.

In fact, it has it's own control over itself, "impulsiveness".

I jumped off my seat, grabbed my phone, and went to take a walk through another door. You didn't recognize me due to the crowd, yet my eyes caught your smile. I ran, I hid, and I lost myself in the coldness of the weather. I felt stupid for doing what I was doing. Moreover, my mind and my heart were arguing over some dumb things which I don't want to care about.

Looking at the bright side, at least I didn't drop a tear; say no to crybaby! You used to be the one who told me not to cry, thank you for that :)

Every time I think of you, tears will be streaming down my cheek, then I always remember you telling me not too, so I smile as wide as I can. Even though you may not care, I do care about you. I never want you to lose that smile which I once snatched away from you, and for that, I am sorry. I wish you life full of happiness; goodbye I should say cause I know I'll never see you as someone you were before.

Ganbatte Vinnie!!!

To: My Dearest Sister, Vinnie

If there's something I want to say to right now, it will simply be a question; "What's going on?".

Even though I cannot see you in person, your downs cannot be hidden through smiley emoticons.

I can picture the frowns on your face.

Is everything falling out of place?

Those little things are piling up, and you got nothing done.

And you miss those times when you can simply have fun?

Let me share with you something precious yet undiscovered by some people.

It's LOVE.

Love keeps it all together for you.

Love leads you through the right direction.

Love gives you the strength.

Love showers you with hopes.

Love put joy in things you do.

Love then is all you ever need.

If you're down,

Lying helplessly on the ground.

You feel empty,

Living life unwillingly.

You're lost.

Decide upon things using a coin to toss.

Just know that, God is a prayer away from you.

He is waiting with His arms wide open to embrace you.

He is reaching out His hands to pull you back up on your feet.

He is putting you there right now for a reason. It's for you to grow stronger in Him. It's for you to know that You can always come to Him for strength.

I might be packed with lots of things in life, but do not ever hesitate to simply "ping" me. After all, that's what sister is there for :)

With love and prayer,

-Vanny-

He Never Fails Me

I was trying to finish a race with time as my competitor. If people walk their lives, I was running exhaustedly. I hated it when I had to say that I was BUSY because it made me feel like I lost the competition, so I tried to squeeze every single thing into my agenda. When it began to pile up, the only thing I could cut was my sleeping time. Oh! How I missed my old routine when LEISURE time was written all over the pages.

Week after week I tried to hide the paleness of my face and "panda" eyes, yet I could not lie to myself that I was tired and worn out. I always told myself that it would be just another day of yawning in class and drinking cups of coffee, but this I said repetitively.

The calendar never looked so long; it was as if another month was slipped into it. I just could not wait till' the next holiday to come. Then, I thought my brain would explode soon or later. I thought I would fall sick. I thought I would give up since I could not take it anymore. On the contrary, I went through each and every task with smile on my face.

The joy of ticking away the tasks I finished was overflowing. My long to-do-lists somehow motivated me to get back on my feet every time I was about to give all up. My source of strength was not coffee, not the smile, not the motivation, not of my own, but God.

I fell asleep in front of my laptop, with my headset on and books underneath my head. I slept in my jeans and t-shirt. I felt so dizzy that I simply lied on my bed. I could not keep it all together that I did not even spare time to remind myself of the LOVE God has been pouring out for me.

I felt like I have failed Him too many times, and I was so afraid of not being able to go back to His arms. One of those nights, I just could not resist my heavy eyes yet my body told itself to grab the bible on my desk. I opened it up to a page, and simply thought, "Oh! I just quickly read something and sleep."

"I can do everything in Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

That moment, I drowned myself in tears. I felt like there's a wall for me to lean on after I have been walking unsteadily. Through it all, I thought I was alone, but I was certainly wrong because God has been my source of strength. Even though I have failed Him, He still unfailingly carries me through hardships. Thank You so much Dad for the things You have put me in that I may realize how I should depend on You and not myself.

For you who are weary, tired, and worn out. Remember that there's no boundaries if you rely on God in everything you do. You can do everything in Him who gives you strength.